Project Description: To express my interpretation of the meaning of our lives, I painted a rock with a quote for each of the graduating seniors. Each quote was meant to express and share a piece of wisdom from people who had experienced life in a self-reflective and “meaningful” way. Some of the quotes were taken from the words of well known people such as Helen Keller and Mahatma Gandhi. Others are phrases I made up, or found in books and notes. Still, some of them only have little paintings or drawings on them to represent that beauty and meaning can be found in the small, unnoticed and simple things in our lives. My initial inspiration for choosing this project was my love for nature and adamacy for appreciating the little things. The rocks represented both of these things. I also believe that happiness has to be shared to be fully experienced. The same is true for wisdom, which is why I chose to write quotes on each rock: to share advice and truth from people with more life experience than us.
A Computer Technician, a Bucket of Rocks and a 2 Mile Walk I slowly trudged down the road with my considerably heavy 5 gallon bucket filled with the smooth rocks I had collected for this project; one brief left arm swing followed by a hefty push with my right in order to move forward. In this fashion, I was swinging and grunting at a lopsided solid 2 miles per infinity. Of course, I had brought this situation upon myself in my defiance to drive my suddenly very appealing jeep only a mile down the road in order to search for the ideal rocks. Anyway, as I was walking and swinging and occasionally thudding to brief stops, I heard the sound of a deep grunt and realized it hadn’t come from very far behind me. I sneakily searched out of the corner of my eye for the source and was surprised to see the outline of an older man following me. I sped up my clunky pace and almost started to feel nervous, but relaxed quickly when I realized oh… I have a 5 gallon bucket of perfect chucking rocks. Chill Kristina, you’re all good. He was creeping closer and closer though until I could hear his breaths and footsteps only a few yards behind me. Finally I dropped my bucket and stretched my arms dramatically to express that I was waiting for him to pass. Instead, he switched sides of the road and paused with a small smile, waiting for me to continue. What’s with this guy? I thought. I sighed, and glanced at the bucket with distaste before snatching it up and directing my attention to the man. “I always learn something from carrying a bucket of rocks,” he said suddenly. Laughing nervously I was like “Oh yeah… haha… all I’m learning is that it’s really heavy”. There was a long pause before he said “But you’re outside. You chose to walk and carry that bucket. You have to look around at all this” he said, pausing to gesture at the road and trees surrounding us with both arms outstretched. “And ask yourself, ‘what is it? What is the connection between our minds and bodies and nature?’” I’m serious. He said that. Exact words. He placed his palms together and brought them towards his chest before asking what it was about the rocks that “drew me to collect so many of them”. Intrigued by the oddity of it all, I decided to indulge in the conversation. “It’s actually for a project about philosophy for school.” I said. “I love nature and its beauty, and thought I would share it with the senior class before they leave for college. Uh, by painting some rocks.” He recognized the name of Animas high school and told me that he had taken in an intern from the school. “I work with technology and computer programming, that’s what he’s interning in. Every week though, I get a big white sheet of paper and in the center of it write “I am…”. Because you can’t know who or what you want to be until you know who you are right now.” “Wow, yeah I guess so.” “It drives him crazy but it’s really important to have some sort of grounding and understanding of yourself before you move into college and the rest of your life. The world’s just so big.” “Yeah, no kidding.” “And if you can’t think of anything, start with “I am… student”. I mean we’re all students right? Everyone is always learning. And eventually I’ll have the intern get a new sheet that says “I want to be…” but you have to start with yourself and who you are now.” I was somewhat dumbfounded and wasn’t sure what to say. “Wow. Yeah I mean that’s true. That’s really good advice. Huh.” I blubbered. The man once again pressed his palms together and brought them to his chest and bowed his head slightly toward me. “Just remember, “I am…. What” and make a list. You should do it.” And with that, he turned off to his driveway and strolled through the front door. I felt myself smiling and suddenly had a new surge of energy which carried me all the way down the crumbly gravel road to my house. His words were embedded in my head like a nail, begging me to consider, Who am I?Like, who am I really? It made me question everything. And I think that was the man’s intention. As I washed off the rocks, one by one, I began making a list in my head. I picked up a rock and pushed it under the running faucet. I am a runner. I scooped up another smooth stone and placed it under the warm water. I am a student. Another rock. A daughter. A sister. A friend. I am lucky. I am truly blessed. I am a driver and a leader. An artist; A baker; An adventurer. I am selfish. I am self absorbed. I am unappreciative and rude. I am not a kind sister. I found myself listing the things I didn’t like about myself. This man had caused me to think and reflect more deeply on myself and who I was than I had expected or wanted to. In a way, I think that was the point. It wasn’t to make myself feel fluffy and happy about myself. The point was to have me sort through my bucket of rocks; to throw out the rough and bumpy ones and rinse off and clean the smooth, promising ones. I believe we all have to sort through our metaphorical bucket of rocks in order to discover who we want to be. We aren’t smooth and perfect on the outside or the inside. But the harder we search for the small, beautiful things around us, and that make us who we are, the lighter our load will be. Meaning is found through the things that ground us to earth, like rocks. It’s found in the wilderness and the moments that force us to consider and reflect on everything. Happiness isn’t stored next to the credit cards slipped in our wallets; it flows through the flexible waves of time, especially when shared with others. Meaning is heard through the words of wisdom spoken softly from the old cracked lips of our grandparents and elders. It’s presented to us through the inspiring words from strangers, and small notes and text messages from old friends. It is carried to us through the gusts of wind, dancing through the forests of popples and pines on the high cliffs overlooking the world. It’s our feelings. It’s our thoughts. Our laughter and tears. We have to embrace and clutch to wisdom as it’s shared through each moment to gain meaning from it. And lastly, meaning within ourselves begins who we are. Right now.
New Insights: What is the purpose of my existence? It has taken me my few years of life to even remotely grasp an idea of this, and I expect it to take until the day I die to fully understand it. Despite my inability to solidify my answer to this question, I have discovered bits and pieces of values and ideas which have resonated with me and guided me closer to it. Rick Warren, regardless of our contradicting belief systems, has brought to light a few very important ideas. “It is in giving our lives away that we find meaning” he said in a Ted Talk. It is in giving our lives away. I believe that I find a sense of purpose when I help others and give my time, skills and attention to people and projects with a larger goal than helping myself. Further, his words “Every time I give, it breaks the grip of materialism in my life” are something I have also found with myself. Not only does giving lessen the amount I have, but it allows me to step away from myself completely and focus on who or what I am giving to. It doesn’t need to be money or physical things. It can be a smile or a helping hand or words of encouragement and advice. When we are separated from the goods which we consume and which consume our lives, we become connected to the world and people around us in a deeper and more meaningful way. On the other hand, unlike Warren, I do not find answers and peace by talking to or even believing in a god of any sort. Rather I find it in the people, animals, nature and universe around me. And in a way, I think that by talking to those people and things, it’s similar to talking to a god in that I learn from it, and I am able to find answers anyway. This intimate connection with nature is what leads me to believe that I share a spiritual and somewhat transcendentalist view on the scope of the world and my purpose. I don’t like to think that I’m nothing more than a lucky organism created by an egg and sperm, created to flourish and reproduce and live until the end when I inevitably become worm waste in the ground. I like to imagine that while science certainly plays a role in the universe and myself, a sense of spirituality and wholesomeness with it all can apply as well. Finding that sense begins with finding the things I’m grateful for. Before conceptualizing spirituality, I have to use the senses I was given from birth in order to fill them with the flavors, sounds, views and feelings which I can be thankful for. Purpose can be found in the ability to see the light when everything seems dark and blind. Purpose can be found in helping others to see that light, or perhaps a different light with a softer glow. Therauo said, “If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.” Despite all of the different views and opinions on the purpose of human existence, I don’t think any of them are wrong. They are all unique, and resonate with some people differently than with others. We are human beings regardless of purpose, and will always have a drum playing for us somewhere no matter how far away the noise is. I believe that my purpose is to learn to block out all the surrounding noise in my life so that I can feel the rhythm of my own drum playing to the beat of my heart, and soften it so that someone else might be able to hear theirs as well.
A deeper connection to Transcendentalism: Transcendentalism has resonated with me more than any of the other philosophies we have learned. I have always felt very connected to nature. My dad and I share a love for the woods and outdoors in general. He doesn’t know it, but I’m almost certain he’s a transcendentalist, or at least he holds many of the values and ideals of one. Since age 3 when I joined the crew, he introduced me to the wilderness as a second home full of adventure, discovery, excitement, athletics and wonder. I have had my own corny life altering experiences in the wilderness, but for now I’ll talk about my dad. His story is a lot cooler and it’s actually changed the way he’s lived his life for the past 26 years making it more relevant to the philosophy itself. My dad was a relatively new veterinarian at age 29, working on cattle, pigs, sheep, chickens et. in the meat and dairy industry. He had seen suffering from his consciousness and awareness in a world of cruelty, and had chosen to participate in contributing to the industry, even if it meant keeping the animals alive. Still, he felt guilty and as though he wasn’t living up to what he wanted to do as a veterinarian. The goal was to keep animals healthy…. Keep- them- healthy. Not long enough for them to be slaughtered and turn into a ¼ pound burger. That year, 1996 he decided to take a trip of a lifetime to discover who he was, and who he wanted to be. He began his trip at Crane Lake in Ontario Canada, biking all the way across the border to Grand Portage, near Thunder Bay. From there, he kayaked the North Shore of Lake Superior until he reached Sault. Ste Marie which is the furthest East edge of Superior. He then continued through the North Channel of Lake Huron, and continued through the north edge of Georgian Bay. When he reached Parry Sound, he biked the rest of the way across Canada. The coast- to - coast journey covered 5,000 miles, including 950 miles of paddling. Throughout his journey, he was finally able to confront the contradictory issues in his life regarding his profession and career which he had spent years and years of college, grad school and Vet school. He decided to become a vegetarian, and opened his own veterinary practice called “All Creatures Veterinary Clinic” where he worked on quite literally every animal you could think of. He started traveling and teaching people in 3rd world countries like Kenya, Tanzania, Belize, Haiti etc. how to keep their animals alive, vaccinated and healthy so that they might be able to survive longer and so the starving people could eat something. He learned to help the world and people in need in a way he wouldn’t have he had never done his trip. Since then, he has done more than anyone I know to self- actualize and become the person he really wanted to be. He’s taken plenty of other incredible trips since then, but this one was the one that initiated that thirst for more. I use my dad to explain my reasoning for why the idea of transcendentalism resonates with me so much because he has lived that reality. His life is a result of his connection to nature, “self-realization attained by clearing [his] mind of materialism”, spiritualism, and ability to take what he learned alone in the spirit of the wilderness into his life in society to become a better human, husband and for me, a father.
Further Questions and Intellectual Work Left to Do
What is the relationship between our human existence, consciousness, conscience, and quantum mechanics, and how can understanding it thoroughly help us to better understand the meaning behind our lives and purpose in this universe?
How do we live meaningful lives when death is inevitable and potentially imminent? How do we find purpose through our knowing of this end?
How do I continue to practice my family’s religion when I hear another drum playing for me in a different direction? Is there a way to embrace both?
What are my next steps in my life towards self actualization and putting my personal philosophies into play?